Love the Wall You Hit
In my coaching practice and throughout my experience with The Narrative Enneagram (TNE), I have found that personal narrative never loses its punch. Just when I think I am growing pretty adept at “reading” my clients, out of the blue, something I could never anticipate comes tumbling out in their story. I see it all the time.
One moment, I’m looking at a quite ordinary human being, the next moment I’m drawn in by a gravitational pull as they describe what propelled them into personal development work. “And then?... And then?...” I find myself asking, eyes wide and perched on the edge of my seat. Human beings are amazing. The one thing of which we can all be certain is that we simply don’t appreciate the lives of those around us as we should.
What I have learned through my own forays into crisis and what has only been underscored in my work with clients is that what really moves us to prioritize our health and sanity is never a personal sense of responsibility toward the betterment of the human species, but a genuine, end-of-life-as-we-know-it catastrophe. Call it what you will—the hand of God, love, or divine intervention—a great many of us have been violently wrecked, and in the same moment, I’ve noticed, are saved.
Yes. I’m talking about the breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 22, the sudden divorce when one thought the marriage was safe and sound, the unforgivable betrayal at the hands of the last person on earth one might suspect capable of it. Whatever the context, when a person’s life hits the wall of reality at full speed, the impact fragments all self-importance and untested beliefs. And there, in the wreckage of our waking nightmares and worst-case scenarios, we find a catalyst for growth we never would have admitted we needed. Not just that, we find clarity and purpose and real courage. “Stubborn Hope”—an Enneagram 7 brilliantly coined this term, and who better?—is a gift cultivated most beautifully by those who keep moving forward.
As I have shared with Good Grit readers, my wall involved India and cholera and a boatload of brutal self-realizations (still happening, by the way). Just as philosopher and poet Soren Kierkegaard famously said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” I can see now that the sheer impact of my collision against an inconvenient reality jarred me awake to a life I would have otherwise slept through. After all, being numb, comfortable, and unbothered is the drug of choice for many of us, a fundamental issue with mankind in general and the western world in particular. We would rather be unconscious than feel our own fragility. Go ahead and ask anyone you truly respect—I would wager that before they became the person you so admire, life gave them a swift and thorough ass kicking. Wisdom is earned the old-fashioned way. One discovers grace only after sacrificing all the childish illusions of control.
Should you, dear reader, find yourself currently in a season of mind-bending, gut-wrenching circumstances, I’m sorry, and welcome, my friend. Find yourself a good therapist, reinforce that connection to your Higher Power, and get in the company of some comrades who have been through hell and were better for it. The person you are becoming may well look back at this very moment and (eventually) see it as the dawn of your finest hour.
Here are some personal answers GG readers shared to the following questions . . .
Anna, Type 8
Who were you before the crash?
“I had worked feverishly to create a world I could control, a world which gave me a sense of certainty or lack of vulnerability.”
What was the wall you hit?
“The birth of my third child, who was intellectually disabled. The bottom fell out from under my life.”
What gift were you given that took some time to fully appreciate?
“The gift is the truth and reality that my world is not on my shoulders—that certainty is a myth.”
Who are you becoming as a result of this experience?
“I live from a place of liberation that continues to alter my life and allow me to become my deepest and truest self. (My reality) is a world away from my daughter’s birth 20 years ago.”
Jess, Type 8
Who were you before the crash?
“I was a little girl filled with confidence and lots of energy!”
What was the wall you hit?
“I got the message that I was “too much.” Over and over again I watched people pull away from me without explaining why. It was painful to feel like no one would stay.”
What gift were you given that took some time to fully appreciate?
“Doing my work” led me to deeper self-understanding and more mindfulness on where I spent my energy. My passion for the truth and my love of life would eventually attract my homies.”
Who are you becoming as a result of this experience?
“I am recovering that sense of confidence, freedom, and enthusiasm I had as a kid and am holding that with the wisdom and perspective I have gained as an adult.”
Victoria, Type 8
Who were you before the crash?
“I was determined and angry. I was becoming the very thing I feared as a kid.”
What was the wall you hit?
“I realized that my self-protective habits were keeping me from the life I wanted and the people I loved. I woke up to the reality that I was “frozen” and isolated and my marriage was suffering.”
What gift were you given that took some time to fully appreciate?
“The Enneagram helped me understand why I felt I needed to protect myself. I had compassion for my past and was given permission to fall apart and actually heal from the trauma I had survived.”
Who are you becoming as a result of this experience?
“I am becoming someone who can help all.”
Rebecca, Type 4
Who were you before the crash?
I was a chameleon, transforming myself to every quality I found in others that I thought would help me live a life different than the one my parents had shown me.
What was the wall you hit?
“Wherever you go, there you are.”
I had married the perfect person for me, found the faith my soul craved, and became a mother, yet all that did not nullify my dysfunctional childhood.
What gift were you given that took some time to fully appreciate?
Even though it felt like a crisis in the beginning, I had to deeply name and experience and move through my pain in order to begin my healing journey.
Who are you becoming as a result of this experience?
I am becoming more aware of my own strengths and gentler on my shortcomings. This helps me love people with honesty and compassion.
Adrian, Type 3
Who were you before the crash?
I seemed high-functioning, but I was overworked and very perfectionistic.
What was the wall you hit?
Doing everything myself and thinking I was the only one who could do it correctly. I could never ask for help or fully trust the help that was sometimes given. When I had my accident, I truly needed help and had to rely on others.
What gift were you given that took some time to fully appreciate?
I was able to realize that others could and would support me and that it is OK to receive that support. I also learned that it is OK if things don’t happen my way.
Who are you becoming as a result of this experience?
I’m less rigid and more compassionate. I don’t feel driven to “do life” or achieve. I feel less alone, more peaceful.